Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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