i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My penis needs a shock collar
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize