nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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