____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
