i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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