I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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