Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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