you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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