I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
