I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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