i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
