so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize