somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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