New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
