We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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