You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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