so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
