Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
