so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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