Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
