I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
