Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
