he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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