my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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