I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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