I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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