I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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