3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
