btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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