OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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