I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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