Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
