new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
