when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
