There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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