My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
