Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
