Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
