last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
