Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
