I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
