I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
