I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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