I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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