textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Still dying that you shit outside
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
