omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
