The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
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