i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
