Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
