I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
