life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
