I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
