I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
