Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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